“If life were a crime, loneliness would be its punishment. If life is a gift could loneliness be its wrapper?” Such is the thought that came to mind today. One can easily tell what triggered this thought – loneliness of course. The next step would be to recognize it as being painful and also as an inescapable part of life. Then of course that raises the question of why life would put something so painful at its midst that almost feels like a punishment. Is it a crime to be born?
But then seeing everything around – one’s self, the beauty, the splendor, the nature in all its glory, the amazing music marked by unmistakable silence, one finds it hard to think of life as a crime. So then, if life is a gift, it still does not alter the fact of loneliness and the pain of its sting. So one wonders what place does loneliness has in the beautiful gift of life.
It occurs to one that perhaps the core of life is not revealed to us, its beauty untouched, until we have managed to go beyond loneliness. And it is only then that one can get to the actual gift and realize it for what it actually is.
One is almost afraid to pose the obvious next question – what is loneliness? Surrounded by hundreds of people, millions of means of entertaining oneself, myriad relationships of various sorts, a society formulated on escaping from oneself, why is one still lonely – either on occasion or often or always? So what is loneliness?
At the deepest level of all loneliness lies an unquenchable search. A search for something that is not entirely clear. Almost as if this search exists independent of everything else. The nature of this search is to make a seeker out of us and so we give in, acting as slaves to this impulse. Thus we bring great victories and gifts to the doorstep of this master, be it in terms of money, power, position, relationships, charity, contributions or acquisitions.
With some gifts this hard task master would play for some moments, leaving us at peace but then it inevitably and always would put it aside and ask anew – “So what else you got?” And the subservient slaves that we are we immediately get busy again attempting to fulfill the demands of this inner master.
A part of our being, however, becomes weary, grows tired, feels forlorn at always seeking and never finding, coming upon, or managing to create or invent something that would lastingly quench the thirst of this master that can seem akin to a monster at times. No matter how much it is fed or for how long it is always hungry for more.
As long as one is excitedly busy answering the call of this inner quest with a belief that this next victory of ours will satisfy our inner master one remains engaged and exuberant in life. However, as life goes on, if one is fortunate or unfortunate enough to become aware of this never-ending service to oneself and all of its ensuing frustrations and sorrows, this is where disenchantment sets in. This is the beginning of loneliness, the pain and longing of it. For the master is still there – shrieking and demanding – but the slave has now started to defy, has now started to seek freedom even at the cost of great pain. This is also the advent of spirituality.
Some may postulate that this inner master is essential to outward action and progress. Why else would we be propelled forward towards achievement? But such proponents are ignorant of the possibility of an action so complete that it is an end unto itself; an action that is driven not by inner impulse but an outer need; an action that is an appropriate response and not an unwarranted reaction to a given circumstance. But since for most of us neither such action is understood nor experienced most of us remain bound to our master and continue our service, oscillating between bouts of excitement and loneliness.
Some of us set out on a search for freedom but such are few. Even rare are those who have something to show for such search. Those, however, who have managed to reach the end of this search for freedom shine in such bliss and luminosity that it becomes impossible to deny surrendering to this one ultimate search – the search to be free of all seeking, fee of all search, to be ensconced in one’s home within oneself.
